HOW TO BREAK UP WITH CLASS

You know it’s over. As good as the relationship might have been, things aren’t the same now. Your hearts aren’t connecting, your interests are colliding, and your conversation is corrosive. Your lives are going different directions. The once burning flame is only a flicker at best...but how do you put it out completely?

You’ve heard of the hell of other break-ups. For some, it’s the deep hurt they cause by how they callously crumple their date and toss them like a candy wrapper. For others, it’s like World War III with explosions of anger and the corresponding blaming, name-calling and bad-mouthing. Then there’s those split-ups that somehow don’t happen and they drag on and on with the hounding, the tears and the begging.

And you don’t want any part of this. You want to break up with class.

Whether it’s been 2 years, 2 months or only 2 weeks, there’s a right way and a wrong way to break off a friendship. At this point, helping sort through and evaluate your reasons for breaking up isn’t the topic here. I am assuming the decision is right for you and you want to move on with freedom and let your “ex” do the same. Here’s how.

Break up face to face. Don’t do the email, text or phone call version. Don’t send the message through a friend. Get alone where you have some privacy and enough time for saying what needs to be said. And for sure, don’t just run and avoid saying anything.

Think through the best time and place. Let them know that you want to get together to talk about how things are going. Show a little empathy and put yourself in their shoes especially if it’s unexpected and will cause hurt.

Once together, be straight and clear. Give reasons for why you are ending it. Tell what is helpful; don’t spend your time criticizing them. Though it’s best to keep it short, the longer you’ve dated, the fuller your explanation needs to be. You don’t have to satisfy them – your reasons likely won’t especially if the break up isn’t a mutual thing.

Show class by how you care. Be kind, gentle and as compassionate as possible. Tell them you are sorry for the hurt you are causing.

Be responsible for making things right. Apologize as needed if there were things you said or things you did that you regret. Be willing to forgive and let go too. Clean up any messes as you move along. The more respect you have shown in the relationship, the easier it is to walk away without guilt and hard feelings.

Anticipate their reaction. How will you handle the tears, the frustrations, the questions and the hurt? Think through your response. What if they lash out at you, explode and walk out. You will likely be getting a call back and it may have to be a 2-part break-up. Rarely is it easy or pretty.

Let them work through their feelings. Don’t try to fix things. Say what you need to and leave. Since you are the cause of their hurt, you usually aren’t a good candidate to console them. When you try, they usually spend their time trying to talk you out of it. They need to seek out others for comfort and perspective.

Fight the urge to give in to demands. They may call you down angrily, manipulate with tears and urgency, or plead for another chance. Some have threatened to do harm to themselves if you follow-through with the decision. If they are in a really bad space, care enough to text or call to alert one of their trusted friends.

Plan the point of your exit. Allow for enough time to share your perspective and decision and give them a little time to interact on it. Listen to their response with respect but without changing your mind. You will know when you’ve said and heard enough. It will feel like you are going in circles. Time to go.

Asking God for help is wise. He wants you to treat people right and can give you the right attitude about the break up. Ask Him for strength, clarity, and compassion.

Finally, don’t trash your former boyfriend or girlfriend after you have broken it off. Speak of them kindly. You too must let them go – live and let live. Show them respect by taking some time before jumping into another relationship. When you do find someone else, show enough class not to flaunt your new flame.

In the end, breaking up is still hard to do...but at least you will have done it right.

PS- pass this on to help a friend.