FORGIVENESS PART 2- WHAT IS FORGIVENESS?

The hurt and disappointment was eating me alive. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I didn’t laugh. I seemed fixated, almost hour-by-hour, on this powerful sense of injustice. It had a stranglehold on me. A deep-seated bitterness was on the verge of suffocating me.

Forgiveness wasn’t even on the horizon. Just thinking the word would put a knot in my stomach.

Maybe you are like me, maybe not.

When I have been deeply hurt, resentful thoughts flood my consciousness like an overflowing toilet. These cruddy feelings rob me of day-to-day freedom and can be spill all over the place and hurt the people I love. But they are not that easy to flush away.

After all, it doesn’t seem fair to let an offense go especially when the offender doesn’t want to apologize for it. What’s the deal? Don’t we teach little kids to “say you’re sorry” when they have done something wrong?

It’s only right. But too often in life, it’s not the norm.

Honestly, true forgiveness of others may be the hardest thing I have ever done. The deeper the sense of wrong and betrayal, the more difficult it is to do. But don’t forget why we forgive. It is to gain freedom for ourselves too.

We need to move beyond the hurt for the right reasons. Don’t fool yourself or try to manipulate the other person with appropriate actions or words. Forgiveness is an attitude of the heart. Revisit your motives for forgiving to strengthen your resolve to do it.

What does it mean to forgive?

It does include putting a stop to both the angry feelings and acts of resentment for any hurt they have caused. It’s easier said than done. But there’s more.

Forgiveness involves the clear decision of cancelling a debt that we feel is owed to us. We want them to pay. Inside, we desperately want them to admit what they did was wrong, feel remorse over the hurt caused, make a sincere apology to us, and take steps to fix things where they can. We feel we are owed these things. That’s their debt.

It would be so good if they took responsibility and paid what is due – so freeing for us– but this course of action is sadly so unlikely.

It would be so much easier for us to forgive if they took these steps. But the offender may never see things the way we do and we could wait indefinitely for them to get on board. What if they never get to the point of initiating an apology to you?

Then you are stuck with an overflowing toilet.

That’s why we pay their debt. Forgiveness is our step. It is choosing to let go of our need for validation and justice. It is releasing the offender from the hurt they have caused and from their responsibility to make things right. We can’t wait for them to get their heart right, ask for an apology or to make amends. We can’t wait for them at all.

At the core, forgiveness is a heart change that frees both you and the other from what you feel they owe you. You lay the offense down.

It is a very hard thing to do.

Remember, forgiveness is not a step, it is a process – a series of steps all confirming the initial decision to release the person. In all honesty, I’ve had to revisit my decision to forgive many times, sometimes 2 or 3 times in a day. It is an act of the will. You choose to live out forgiveness in spite of tough memories returning and hard feelings resurfacing.

By the way, I have found that God is more than willing to help any of us out. He Himself forgives so well. He can bring perspective, courage and strength to forgive. Ask Him...I did.

Pass this along to a friend. Stay tuned for Part 3 on How to Forgive...

Leave your comment below. I would like to hear from you.

FORGIVENESS PART 1- WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE?

Our hurts come in many shapes and sizes. And hurts require forgiveness. The range of your pain could be anything from simple frustration over your sister borrowing your clothes to sheer rage over your Dad kicking the crap out of you. The situations causing the pain are limitless. You may have faced a boyfriend dumping you, harsh words from a teacher, lies from a friend, unfair treatment from a brother, a parent constantly belittling you, a date rape, your parent’s divorce, stolen money, or being picked on by a step-sister. The list goes on...

But remember, life is relationships. Living with people will usually bring some pain. Living without people will always bring pain. It is far better to learn how to resolve the hurts with people than to avoid any hurts without people.

Forgiveness is as important to healthy relationships as water is to our bodies. You can die of bitterness as easily as from thirst. Everybody has to learn how to forgive at some point in life to survive.

But when someone really hurts you, I mean causes a crater of pain in your heart, do they need to be forgiven?

Simply put – yes. In over 3 decades of helping people with people problems the place of forgiveness is critical in making life work. So here are a few reasons why you need to learn to forgive...frankly, the sooner the better for you.

YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND. You will live with far less anxiety when you decide to forgive. Brooding over your hurt only keeps it alive longer and sadly not unlike a cancer, it grows both larger and deeper sending out many tentacles. By laying down the hurt you choose to forgive- releasing the offense. In forgiving, you let go of your need for justice and getting the wrong righted. Yet, it begins to calm the waters inside...the churning pain within stops.

BITTERNESS DESTROYS YOU. Letting your heart stay focused on the hurt of the past keeps you there. To hold on to the resentment doesn’t punish the other person; it devastates you. It’s like drinking poison and somehow thinking the other person will die. Active hostility and private animosity both do the same thing. They not only rob you of freedom but affect all other relationships as well. Don’t go there.

BREAKS THE CHAINS. When you forgive, you do so not because they deserve it, knowing they could never earn it, and not waiting until they ask for it. You forgive to free yourself from the daily shackles of targeted bitter memories. That’s how you loose those chains that keep dragging you along. Forgiveness takes you out of a helpless, vulnerable spot.

YOUR LIFE IS NOT ON HOLD. If you wait until they decide to ask for forgiveness or take responsibility for the pain they caused, your health fully depends on them. If they don’t come to apologize, then you are on hold. You are stuck because they aren’t budging. Do you want to wait until they are ready to move on? This leaves you at the mercy of their response. Take charge of your life and step out of the prison of bitterness.

GOD ASKS US TO FORGIVE. Forgiveness was God’s idea in the first place. He needs to forgive us repeatedly and does it so well. He is the God of second chances. He calls us to this higher way. He wrote the manual on how humankind works best and He knows that bitterness only corrodes your soul. Granted you may need to ask God to help you; most of us do. But when you do choose to forgive, you honor God and that in itself brings a sense of satisfaction knowing that you are doing what is right.

When you have been wronged, the choice to harbor your hurt won’t lead to a healthier you. Think about it...you have all these great reasons to begin to move on. I challenge you to get started on your freedom now.

Stay tuned for HOW TO FORGIVE.

Be sure to pass this on to someone who needs this and come back for more life tips.

HOW TO BREAK UP WITH CLASS

You know it’s over. As good as the relationship might have been, things aren’t the same now. Your hearts aren’t connecting, your interests are colliding, and your conversation is corrosive. Your lives are going different directions. The once burning flame is only a flicker at best...but how do you put it out completely?

You’ve heard of the hell of other break-ups. For some, it’s the deep hurt they cause by how they callously crumple their date and toss them like a candy wrapper. For others, it’s like World War III with explosions of anger and the corresponding blaming, name-calling and bad-mouthing. Then there’s those split-ups that somehow don’t happen and they drag on and on with the hounding, the tears and the begging.

And you don’t want any part of this. You want to break up with class.

Whether it’s been 2 years, 2 months or only 2 weeks, there’s a right way and a wrong way to break off a friendship. At this point, helping sort through and evaluate your reasons for breaking up isn’t the topic here. I am assuming the decision is right for you and you want to move on with freedom and let your “ex” do the same. Here’s how.

Break up face to face. Don’t do the email, text or phone call version. Don’t send the message through a friend. Get alone where you have some privacy and enough time for saying what needs to be said. And for sure, don’t just run and avoid saying anything.

Think through the best time and place. Let them know that you want to get together to talk about how things are going. Show a little empathy and put yourself in their shoes especially if it’s unexpected and will cause hurt.

Once together, be straight and clear. Give reasons for why you are ending it. Tell what is helpful; don’t spend your time criticizing them. Though it’s best to keep it short, the longer you’ve dated, the fuller your explanation needs to be. You don’t have to satisfy them – your reasons likely won’t especially if the break up isn’t a mutual thing.

Show class by how you care. Be kind, gentle and as compassionate as possible. Tell them you are sorry for the hurt you are causing.

Be responsible for making things right. Apologize as needed if there were things you said or things you did that you regret. Be willing to forgive and let go too. Clean up any messes as you move along. The more respect you have shown in the relationship, the easier it is to walk away without guilt and hard feelings.

Anticipate their reaction. How will you handle the tears, the frustrations, the questions and the hurt? Think through your response. What if they lash out at you, explode and walk out. You will likely be getting a call back and it may have to be a 2-part break-up. Rarely is it easy or pretty.

Let them work through their feelings. Don’t try to fix things. Say what you need to and leave. Since you are the cause of their hurt, you usually aren’t a good candidate to console them. When you try, they usually spend their time trying to talk you out of it. They need to seek out others for comfort and perspective.

Fight the urge to give in to demands. They may call you down angrily, manipulate with tears and urgency, or plead for another chance. Some have threatened to do harm to themselves if you follow-through with the decision. If they are in a really bad space, care enough to text or call to alert one of their trusted friends.

Plan the point of your exit. Allow for enough time to share your perspective and decision and give them a little time to interact on it. Listen to their response with respect but without changing your mind. You will know when you’ve said and heard enough. It will feel like you are going in circles. Time to go.

Asking God for help is wise. He wants you to treat people right and can give you the right attitude about the break up. Ask Him for strength, clarity, and compassion.

Finally, don’t trash your former boyfriend or girlfriend after you have broken it off. Speak of them kindly. You too must let them go – live and let live. Show them respect by taking some time before jumping into another relationship. When you do find someone else, show enough class not to flaunt your new flame.

In the end, breaking up is still hard to do...but at least you will have done it right.

PS- pass this on to help a friend.